Spiraling

The other night I spent some significant time trying to calm my wandering mind; I was at one of those points when I was feeling quite lonely, even in this world where it is difficult to really be lonely….a world which is permeating with materialism and the desire for status and power. I started thinking about many different things, the words put together by the eloquent Wordsorth came into my mind-- "The world is too much with us; late and soon, getting and spending, we lay waste our powers: Little we see in Nature that is ours; we have given our hearts away, a sordid boon!" Then I started thinking, as people-particularly as Americans in this culture, we get caught up pretty easily in the work-consume mode of everyday life. The scary part is not having the desire to pull yourself out of that mode—to better yourself and the world around you. Some of us see more or at least desire more than the routine, the comfortable. I was able to step back from that lifestyle while working and living in a developing country. I was able to see what is important. I found a superabundance of energy within myself which I have found no outlet in the American life as most people live it. There are so few people with whom I can share the things that mean so much to me that I have learned to contain myself.

Rather than love, than money, than fame, give me understanding. I sat at a table where rich food and wine were in abundance, but sincerity, truth and understanding were not. I went away hungry.

International nomadism is a resistless fascination for me, I’ll never stop wandering. I want to throw myself into new experiences; feel myself twisting, turning, growing, changing….spiraling!! I want movement and not a calm course of existence. I want excitement and danger and a chance to sacrifice myself for my love. There is the motivation of why people involve themselves in grassroots, development work. I have debated within myself many times the dynamic between authentic altruism and self-improvement. I see this experience as something that will ultimately be highly reciprocal in character.

This process seems so ambiguous at times that it stirs up anxiety, but of course this is accompanied by excitement too!

All I know is that life is flux, ever-changing. Gandhi, I suppose is right, we should just live as if we will die tomorrow, and learn as if we will live forever. Take surprise in each sunrise and comfort in each moon. Move often, carrying your home with you. Climb mountains, stroll beaches, ride bicycles down big hills. Love among the hate when love is what you feel. Suck strength from your anger, then let it go. Scream at the ocean, run when the sign says walk. Question authority, and accept change. Fill your soul instead of your pockets. Dance whenever you get the chance, talk to anyone you meet. Watch closely, read a lot, listen hard. Smile in every mirror, love yourself and what you've been given, but love others more, grow with each tear. Have fun without maps or directions. If the clouds should open up, offering transportation to even the smallest of dreams, ride the nearest cloud.