Pondering a Goodbye to PNG (edited from my personal journal)

It's hard to know if I am saying goodbye.  In my mind I am already gone.  It is even possible to say that there have been moments over the last 19 months when I felt like I was never really here.
So for now, I am focusing on facing the world's opportunities directly in the eye.  There are many uncertainties ahead and I welcome the feelings this brings.  All I know is this, I will be in Hong Kong tonight--and the next 3 nights.  Then I will be in the States surrounded by my family and friends for the holidays.  But then there is January.  When January  comes there is a chance I could be in Cambodia or on a plane to Singapore with an open ticket to Indonesia before making my way across the Indo-PNG border back to Madang. Each of these possibilities have their own appeal.  I often times catch myself smiling in complete amazement of my life.  I am happy with my choices to live life in the unknown, where each day is wonderfully adventurous.  I feel I am in a good place, I don't feel anxious or lost. Instead, I feel that life is moving me in a forward direction.

 It's a wonderful feeling.  It's like looking beyond the horizon knowing there is a great big world out there just waiting for me.  I am enjoying every moment, every possibility, the excitement of knowing the world is my oyster! My thinking is circular at the moment.  Not a dizzy, mind boggling type of chaos of thoughts, but more of like circular dancing in my head.  I feel lucky that I have so many choices in life.  In some ways I am saying goodbye to Madang, to PNG and to my life here.  I would be lying to myself if  I tried to say that throughout the last few days I didn't crave to hold on to every last moment.  The last time to swim the pristine sea, my last time to gaze out to the "Land you can sometimes see", the last time for Jolanda, Marleen and I to be crammed inside the Nissan.  Through all these nostalgic moments, my mind holds tightly to the possibility of returning.  I dream of all the teacher trainings, of gaining the courage and confidence to take a PADI diving course,  to kiss his lips again. to sit on the veranda drinking kulau smoothies and Highlands coffee.  However, as my thoughts circle I feel excitement growing inside of me at the mere idea of starting a new life.  Of surrounding my senses with new experiences.  A life in Southeast Asia is appealing.  It is safe, city life is buzzing, good food is easy to find and once again I will have the freedom to walk the streets day and night.

I am leaving for holiday tomorrow without knowing if I have the job with Handicap International. So, I  have decided to pack as if I am not returning.  Once again I have put my material belongings into 2 checked pieces of luggage.  I first started to pack my artifacts and bilums. Reaching into the bilums I found an odd mix of randoms items that would only be found in the bottom of your purse in PNG.  I found discarded flex cards, Chicken Snax, sunscreen, rotten bananas, shells, a piece of blue coral and ants among other things! Packing personal items was more cut throat.  I began to make piles of things I definitely wanted to take, things I would give to Roselyn, schools, the Country Women's Association, Marleen and other VSO vols and a pile of things that didn't make the 'take' pile but I just couldn't bare to let go just that moment.  In my mind, it was easier to think of the possibility of seeing them again if I were to return.  So I set them aside and they remained in a neat pile just for peace of mind.  However, I knew it was more likely than not that I would never see them again.  This process of detachment is healthy, but hard.  It reminded me of the time I left Folly Beach, SC for the Peace Corps.  However then I sold my car, furniture,... well everything!  Packing like this with only a few days notice forced me to put into practice my beliefs for not valuing things more than experiences.  To follow Buddha's teachings that attachment is the source of all suffering.  It helps me to live life more spontaneously.    It was surprisingly easy to leave what didn't fit in my 2 bags all behind.  Easy because I know that my heart is  overflowing with memories and experiences.  And regardless of my journey, I know I will always carry them with me.  

Today I am free..for a new start, whether that be in Cambodia or PNG.