All these questions….

Have four months already past? Is it possible that I am beginning to settle in and am able to understand more? Or have I only begun to realize that I know and understand very little? Has my understanding of developmental aid work grown? How have my perceptions changed? Mother Theresa, I understand that the ocean would be less because of that one missing drop, but what happens when our drops evaporate before they even reach the ocean? What change will I effect if I pour my half empty glass in the ocean? Am I thinking this way because I am on the downward slide of the emotional roller coaster that most developmental aid workers go through?

Why has my perception changed? I’ve seen containers of books donated. The disappointment was when the boxes were finally opened they were filled with termites. Clients are waiting for wheelchairs, schools for computers and after months and months of anticipation they finally arrive broken. Workshops are planned, hundreds of workbooks printed, teachers walk for hours from the villages and the facilitator is stuck in Moresby because the flight was cancelled. Computers and sewing machines arrived at a school and were broken within the first day because the users were not appropriately trained. How do the Papua New Guineans respond? Nokem wori (don’t worry), another organization will come tomorrow and bring us a new one.

What are the effects of developmental aid on this country? Have they developed learned helplessness? Have Papua New Guineans been conditioned to think that the white man will always bring cargo? What do they think when they watch one white man after another come in and change the things that the previous white man did before him? Are they learning and applying any new skills? Are they motivated to change? Do they even want change? Are they interested in improving themselves and their country? Do all developing countries face these challenges? Or are these situational circumstances for PNG alone due to the uniqueness of this country?

What will I accomplish during my time here? Will anyone apply the skills I share? Are my expectations too high? How do you measure success? Is it if I truly reach one teacher? Why is VSO asking me to do partnership reviews when I haven’t even had my in-country orientation yet? Is VSO more efficient in other countries? Will I be able to accomplish more or gain more skills if I stay here two years verses one? Can I meet my placement goals in 8 more months? Why don’t I feel connected to PNG? Is it because I am in an urban placement and have limited connection with the most vulnerable people? Why do I feel like a tourist? Should I feel guilty for living the expat lifestyle? Is it bad that I feel like I am on an extended vacation?

These are questions I ask myself everyday. I was once told that finding questions is often times better than finding answers. By asking myself these questions I have decided not to continue my placement beyond one year. PNG is a spectacular country and I am in no hurry to leave. I feel that I will be able to give and take away all that I can in one year; therefore, I have no intentions to stay.